Thursday, April 30, 2009

big v dense words

the third, originally uploaded by nirbhao.

I'm the cartoon canine cowboy, arms stretching as they drag me through the door. my feet will catch, but it will only be a temporary delay.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

rare glints of bliss

, originally uploaded by nirbhao.

yesterday I shot a wedding. the dance floor pictures are going to require some attention; in the meantime, enjoy the old dude rocking out.

One of the pictures I took was of the bride and her daughter, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. five generations of women in front of my camera and in my memory card.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

photo overload!

, originally uploaded by nirbhao.

go here to see 48 new ceramics pictures!

the glaze firing turned out disappointing. I guess it wasn't really that bad, but I don't feel like I can give one of the pieces I had made as a gift (on a bit of a tight time-frame). it was on the top shelf and pretty much the entire reason I fired this weekend, and so I looked at the rest of the pieces with that disappointment in my belly.

saturation metallic and I got into a fight.

the chickens in this batch turned out pretty well, although I don't understand why so many people are sending me logos.

click = ♥

send pictures or email me ( and I will mail you tiles.

I actually used a tripod for the documentary photos. there were definitely drawbacks, but I'm getting better with tools to make life easier.

my Obama bowl is listed on ebay. go buy it so that I can stop disappointing my parents by wasting so much time elbow-deep in mud.

several months ago -- possibly more than a year -- while searching the now defunct cnet free music download database, I came across The Milk and Milk Money. the website directs to, but the Milk Money song I really like isn't available for download.

I have them for you, though!
Roll yo Belly by Milk Money
The Bad Guys by The Milk

last night both of them came up in my "random" playlists. both are good songs both in spatial and technical organization and lyric logic.

also, Jose Gonzalez is also amazing. I love everything I've heard that he's written.

also also, Four for Smoking has music available on

Monday, April 20, 2009

sell out to sell

I listed it.

honestly, I feel a bit terrified for several inarticulate reasons. maybe I'll have better luck on ebay than etsy-- because, as you know, EVERYONE is buying small-studio original art these days.


the glaze firing yesterday went a little slow but otherwise uneventful. in a situation like this involving four digit temperatures, uneventful is the best possible outcome. I can open the kiln tomorrow morning and it is KILLING me to wait.

also, I am hungry.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I promise

, originally uploaded by nirbhao.

I'm feeling much better emotionally.

the kiln is heating up right now, full of goodness.

Friday, April 17, 2009

the weather outside is beautiful

69, originally uploaded by nirbhao.

my favorite fortune broke out from the cookie during a downpour.

Michigan is one of the few places in the world that experiences 30º temperature swings on a daily basis. during the day, though, the sun shines and the air is between 65º and 72º F. absolutely perfect weather.

I left my car windows down last night, and I don't care. it seems like everything I do disappoints someone or someone else or me. I feel like my doctors are lying to me, telling me that I will be able to do school this coming term. my initial assessment at the Cleveland Clinic is May 7, and classes start on May 11.

I feel like I am a fraud for believing I can do law school. this is the second time my health has interrupted my ability to function as a law student so severely that medical intervention is necessary.

(deep breath)

it took four years, but I had finally reached a point where I could appreciate what I do have and be grateful for the good in my life. now, I am frustrated, angry, and entitled. I know I need to, but I have no desire whatsoever to accept that all of medical science can't make me better.

certain I make it look easy, it pisses me off that no one gives me credit for how much I overcome, as if no one else struggles in life.

I fucked up this piece because of my tremor:

usually, I don't keep those pieces. this one, I decided, is important-- for what, I'm not sure.

anytime I use dashes I feel a pang of guilt for not remembering the difference between the em-dash, en-dash, and hyphen. this is what law school does to a person.

Monday, April 13, 2009


, originally uploaded by nirbhao.

I love my family. deeply. you will make a wonderful addition.

I've been glazing somewhat compulsively this past week-- tiny, intricate details-- a prayer in latin, a sailor jerry tattoo.

I can feel my brain melting in my head.

read the mysterious flame of queen loana by umberto eco. Yambo describes it so perfectly.

A word. Like running into a wall. Saying Euclid or Ishmael was easy, like saying Jack and Jill went up a hill. Saying who I was, on the other hand, was like turning around and finding that wall. No, not a wall; I tried to explain. "It doesn't feel like something solid, it's like walking through a fog."

I bought the book again today and listened for eight straight hours while tracing those fragile lines with the brush.

Friday, April 10, 2009

and it is?

, originally uploaded by nirbhao.

I've lost track of days.

today, I spent pretty much all day (as in, twelve hours) working on a piece that probably doesn't even look too exciting quite yet. I'm proud of it, though.

the major distraction in my life right now is, of course, this silly body. we're still struggling to sort things out, and I'll be going to the cleveland clinic. I don't really want to. in fact, I got downright belligerent with my doctor trying to understand why I needed to test any further.

I'm tired, and I can't really imagine this being my life anymore.

we watched army of darkness recently. Bruce Campbell's low spot made me think of catholic school crush.

I still can't figure out how people can walk away from things so easily.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Trevor Antonides

your creditors are calling my parents expecting to find you.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I'm not very good at titling my posts. too bad!

t-shirt, edited i, originally uploaded by nirbhao.

1. no one gets that sealab 2021 reference. ever. and it's so hilarious.
2 see my edited t-shit, above. stiff 2xl t-shirts are not comfortable, in my opinion. this one is. now.
3. I learned an awesome trick to make facebook events happen on my calendar.
4. be a good sport and pretend that esty doesn't make all of their money on listing fees: click = ♥

and now for something of substance:
up until the end of last week, my doctors and I discussed open heart surgery. on June 14, 2005, Dr. Chandra used an Amplatzer occluder device (which apparently is no longer available in the United States.... hmmmmm....) to repair a 14mm patent foramen ovale diagnosed by Dr. Tolia. we found out about the pfo the hard way about six weeks before we repaired it. no one is entirely sure what happened because I had been diagnosed as a hypochondriac and having panic attacks for a few years. we aren't sure which of those were transient ischemic attacks and which were seizures, but we do have a good idea which was the full-on stroke.

as a result, I have what my doctors call Parkinsonian symptoms. I don't know the difference between having symptoms as opposed to having the disease, and I don't really care because I don't want to have Parkinson's.

For the most part, I am shaky, clumsy, and slow. I have double vision. the tremor had reached an incapacitating degree-- I could barely write or type-- and my vision got so bad that I used text to speech for anything longer than a line or two.

don't ask how I can still knit and throw. I have no idea, although I'm pretty sure these arts are why I am functional at all. too many doctors have told me that, "it's not that bad," because I can do stuff like that. I disagree that using both hands to drink from a cup is not that bad.

/ bitter

Back to the waiting rooms. back to the electrodes, needles, and gamut of medical gels. It looked like the pfo had reopened. as you can imagine, I went back to smoking and have been drinking a lot.

the good news, though, is that my heart is fine.

(let that sink in)

the bad news is that the "Parkinsonian symptoms" are just getting worse. we increased dosages on the agonists. since I withdrew for medical leave of absence for the term, I have a few weeks to sort everything out.

edited to add:
I got new kiln shelves! bisque fire on sunday!